A picture of my own Smart car.

Smart Car. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

It makes me feel like a bad parent to admit that my children annoy me at times. Take, for instance, this question that was posed by one of my children, “Mom, do all cars only fit five people?” Now we’ve all heard it said that there are no stupid questions, but I’m just not convinced. How did I answer? My typical response; “What do you think?” I like to encourage my kids to use logic and think for themselves. I don’t think the answer mattered so much anyway; clearly my child just needed some attention.

All people, not just children, are hungry for attention. We all have needs which include wanting to be seen, heard and understood. These aren’t annoying qualities, but the way in which we seek this validation can often be interpreted as such. Take for instance those labeled as needy. If you have labeled someone, or have been labeled yourself, as needy a certain measure of negativity is implied in the meaning. Now I don’t know a person that doesn’t have needs, but due to that negative characterization of the word we wouldn’t call everyone with perceived needs needy, although it would be accurate to do so.

If there are negative attention-seeking behaviors logic would follow that the converse is also true. I tell my kids all the time, if you want my attention, if you need a hug or help with something just let me know, tell me, C O M M U N I C A T E, no need to hint around, no need for crying or acting like an antsy, caged beast. We have been gifted with the ability to express ourselves through language. Exercise that gift. Games are over played. Really, they are so exhausting, not only for the unwitting participant but also for the one who initiates them.

Communicating the need for attention is vitally important in romantic relationships. I know, you’re thinking, but I want my partner to do these things, to meet my need for attention without prompting; it’s more meaningful that way. Bullshit. If my kids don’t remind me that they are getting hungry we probably wouldn’t eat lunch most days. Is the food any less nutritious or filling because they had to ask me to prepare the meal? No. That’s ludicrous. So why would asking your partner for attention be any different? It isn’t. You are in a relationship with an imperfect human being who has their own set of needs and their own mind swirling around with all the same distractions you have.

And do yourself a favor; make sure your communication is effective; the English language of full of subtlety and innuendo. This means you need to be explicit and direct. You’ll also likely need to offer occasional reminders. Everyone forgets stuff.

When I need my children to take care of their responsibilities, let’s use the dishwasher for instance, I don’t say, “Hey, empty the dishwasher everyday”. That wouldn’t communicate exactly what needs to be done. Instead I have told them and repeatedly told them and, again, reminded them, “Every morning after you eat breakfast, every afternoon when you’ve finished eating lunch and every evening after dinner you need to empty the dishwasher and the dish rack. If there is any food left it needs to be put in containers and then into the refrigerator. Next you need to wipe down the counters, stove top and table. If there are dishes left in the sink they must be washed by hand. Once that is done you need to wash the inside of the sink, the back splash and faucet. And finally, empty that yucky catch in the bottom of the sink into the trashcan. When you think you’re done look around and make sure everything on the counters and table is put away in its place.” Now if they missed one or two steps in the beginning I didn’t make a big deal about it. Eventually, they caught on and I rarely have to remind them about a single step in the process.

Obviously you can’t treat your partner like a child, but that doesn’t mean you can’t clearly express what you need from the relationship. Do you need affection? Let your partner know. Do you need to feel secure? Let your partner know, and let them know what makes you feel secure. Do you need them to squeeze the toothpaste to the open end of the tube after they have gotten what they need on their toothbrush? Let your partner know. This isn’t going to create the perfect relationship, but it will improve the conditions within it. It may even keep things from digressing into the routine of walking your way around each other. Remember that sometimes your partner is going to forget or be distracted by other responsibilities, so if you need a hug or kiss go get one. Avoid the habit of wistfully waiting around for the magic need fairy to come along and sprinkle perfect pixie dust on your partner turning him or her into an automaton of attentive servitude, rather take the initiative upon yourself to make happen what you need to happen. You could always leave the tube of toothpaste on your partner’s pillow every night before bed, but that’s just annoying.

Feel free to apply this principle to relationships, whether or not domestic, as needed.